


Of Heists and Hustles - The Abridged Version

by IronicSnap



Series: H&H - A Story of Deep Friendships and Fun Crimes [3]
Category: Sly Cooper (Video Games), Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Abridged Series, Crossover, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, We're talking the Ember Island Players version
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-07-05 02:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15854838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronicSnap/pseuds/IronicSnap
Summary: Of Heists and Hustles. Easily the greatest and most culturally impactful Zooplecoop crossover fanfiction, as decided by an independent panel consisting of the author of Of Heists and Hustles and that guy's best friend. If you've never experienced the magic for yourself, or only vaguely remember the gist of a furry fanfic you read two years ago, worry not! This handy primer condenses all the prose, nuance and emotion into an easily-digestible paste of running gags and self-deprecation. Work fanfiction into your busy schedule by consuming my magnum opus in a single, mildly diverting sitting





	Of Heists and Hustles - The Abridged Version

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Of Heists and Hustles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6504238) by [IronicSnap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronicSnap/pseuds/IronicSnap). 



[ _Night in Zootopia. The Nope Diamond is travelling to The Museum, and all the cops are helping. All the cops except_ ]

 **Judy** : This sucks! I wanna help!

 **Nick** : I am ambivalent.

[ _The Cooper Gang waits nearby, ready to steal it!_ ]

 **Sly** : I'm a thief!

 **Bentley** : I'm a hacker.

 **Murray** : **I'M** ** _THE_** **_MURRAY_**

 **Sly** : This sucks. I'm bored.

 **McHorn** : Oh god! We're all getting beaten up by a giant shirtless cat!

 **Sly** : Amazing!

[ _Sly meets Tai Lung. He is giant and shirtless._ ]

 **Sly** : I have stolen the diamond!

[ _Tai Lung hits him very hard._ ]

 **Judy** : Stop right there! You're under arrest!

[ _Tai Lung hits her very hard._ ]

 **Tai Lung** : I will now kill you.

 **Sly** : Not if I heroically intervene! It's my Establishing Character Moment! I do nice things but for selfish reasons maybe!

[ _Everybody fights. Nick throws the diamond. Judy throws herself after it. Both land in a river._ ]

 **Nick** : I am **_anxious!_ **

**Tai Lung** : I am leaving.

 **Judy** : I am the _world's greatest cop!!!!_ but also cold and wet

* * *

[ _It's still night. The same night and everything! Tai Lung is running across rooftops._ ]

 **Tai Lung** : I am the best at running across rooftops!

 **Sly** : Get on my level, amateur, you don't even know I'm following you.

 **Tai Lung** : What?

 **Sly** : Nothing.

 **Bentley** : Sly, what's happening?!

 **Sly** : A bad guy tried to steal the diamond and hurt a policewoman. I am following him because I hate him.

 **Bentley** : Your libido will be the death of us all.

[ _It's The Museum. The curator of The Museum is Black Panther. Yes, really._ ]

 **Okonkwo** : Thank you for saving the diamond. I hired Wolf O'Donnell to protect it, but he hasn't been written into the story yet. Would you like to come to my fancy party on Friday?

 **Nick** : Heck yes!

 **Judy** : As long as we don't die horribly before then, ha ha!

[ _Awkward silence._ ]

[ _It's a gross warehouse. There are hyenas._ ]

 **Shenzi** : We're hyenas!

 **Banzai** : Except now we're also bikers!

 **Tai Lung** : Move aside. I hate you.

[ _A tiny nerd uses a telephone._ ]

 **Peridot** : I'VE SPENT A LOT OF EFFORT ENSURING MY BOSS IS A SECRET!

 **Mastermind** : **Ironically, it is transparently obvious who I am.**

 **Sly** : I've just taken photos of all of you!

 **Tai Lung** : What! I will now kill y-

[ _Murray hits him with a van._ ]

 **Murray** : **let's** **_BOUNCE_**

* * *

[ _It's the ZPD morning briefing! With your host, Chiiiiiiiief Bogo!_ ]

 **Bogo** : Let's get this over with. I have strict orders to distract from the fact this entire chapter is exposition by utilizing

 **Sly** : snazzy scene transitions!

 **Bentley** : ...why did you yell that?

 **Sly** : Just run it, Hardison.

 **Bentley** : This is Tai Lung. He punches. This is Peridot. She hacks. These are the hyenas. They're dumb, and, furthermore, stupid. Squeezing them might reveal the mastermind, who I have been unable to identify.

 **Sly** : And what about

 **Judy** : the oddly attractive raccoon, Chief?

 **Bogo** : He's Sly Cooper. He and his friends steal things for fun, mostly from other criminals. But sometimes they don't, I guess. We have an Interpol agent coming to help us. That is all.

 **Nick** : Wow, I wish all our briefings could be this short. That just leaves

 **Sly** : Nick and Judy!

 **Bentley** : Yes. Nick and Judy. They are friends who fight crime.

 **Sly** : I will befriend them also. Get me a telephone.

 **Judy** : I just got a text! Sly wants to meet us.

 **Nick** : Guess we better investigate.

 **Judy** : Sounds like a plan, my dearest friend who I love and share a house with!

 **Nick** : So are we boning or what?

 **Judy** : Unclear!

* * *

[ _Nick and Judy are in a park, reading a newspaper of wacky mayoral candidates._ ]

 **Nick** : Look at all these wacky mayoral candidates! Like Toriel Undertale! And Scar!

 **Judy** : "Scar" is a dumb name.

 **Nick** : Yes.

 **Clawhauser** : It's me, Clawhauser, over the radio! Bogo wants to see you, Nick!

 **Nick** : Heck. Don't die, Judy.

 **Judy** : Okay!

[ _Nick leaves. Sly enters._ ]

 **Sly** : Wanna team up?

 **Judy** : Only kinda!

 **Bogo** : Come in, Wilde, and meet our Interpol liaison.

 **Nick** : Great, some stuffed-shirt two-bit - _¡dios mío, zorra muy bonita!_

 **Carmelita** : Hello, I'm Inspector Carmelita Montoya Fox. And I should hope you mean that to be translated literally, not colloquially.

 **Nick** : You work for Interpol?! That completely invalidates my significance as a street-level officer in Furry New York.

 **Carmelita** : True. But remember: Star Fox.

 **Nick** : Star Fox?

 **Carmelita** : Yes.

 **Bogo** : Wilde, you've been chosen to work with Carmelita because you know the city like no-one else.

 **Carmelita** : Pretty good justification for why I'd team up with a complete rookie, right?

 **Nick** : If I don't have Judy helping me I might cry. Just a heads up.

 **Bogo** : In a somewhat out-of-character move, I will grant Hopps freedom from usual department rules.

 **Carmelita** : In a _very_ out-of-character move, I am okay with this.

 **Nick** : The important thing is that I got what I wanted.

 **Carmelita** : Congratulations. Now if you'll excuse me, I should go get my ninety minutes of daily sleep.

 **Bogo** : Wilde, for god's sake, learn some independence. Hopps could die at literally any moment, you ever think about that?

 **Nick** : Yes!!!!! Constantly!!!!!!!!!! It consumes me from within!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Bogo** : Well, good. As long as you're aware.

 **Nick** : Star Fox?!?!

 **Judy** : Yes.

 **Sly** : Go arrest the hyenas to find the mastermind.

 **Judy** : Smart plan. But my partner isn't gonna like this.

* * *

**Nick** : I don't like this!

 **Judy** : Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? Just once!

 **Nick** : Fine. Just once. Oh, also, the Interpol inspector is a fox, and also also, Bogo is letting you help me help her. Secretly.

 **Judy** : Wow! Wow to all of that!

 **Nick** : Yeah. Now let's go to Ruby's bar.

[ _It's Ruby's bar._ ]

 **Ruby** : I'm Ruby, from the show RWBY!

 **Blake** : I'm quiet.

 **Finnick** : And I'm here too.

 **Nick** : oh god

 **Judy** : Are you two not friends any more?

 **Finnick** : It's genuinely unclear in canon if we ever were.

 **Murray** : Time for **THE MURRAY** to make like a Cold War superpower and instigate a proxy conflict!

[ _He does. There are many kicks. The hyenas go to jail_.]

 **Tai Lung** : Heck.

* * *

**Carmelita** : So Nick and Judy think these hyenas are connected to the diamond heist?

 **Bogo** : I'll be honest, Inspector, I just let them do whatever and they work things out eventually.

 **Banzai** : You'll get nothing from me, copper!

 **Nick** : [ _is Nick_ ]

 **Banzai** : here is every secret i've ever been told

 **Nick** : So apparently the mastermind is Scar? That's ridiculous. Let's go bother him.

 **Peridot** : HECK!!!!!!!!!!

 **Carmelita** : Great work in there, Nick!

 **Nick** : _I was not a con artist!!_

 **Carmelita** : ...Cool! See you later.

[ _It's a slideshow._ ]

 **Bentley** : Here's the slideshow for my new plan. We'll need three things: alarm schematics,

 **Sly** : Right,

 **Bentley** : an entire subway train,

 **Murray** : **_NICE_ **

**Bentley** : and an invitation we'll have to rob from an innocent old man.

 **Sly** : Okay :)

 **Bentley** : ...

 **Murray** : ...That's... kinda evil, Bentl-

 **Bentley** : Yes. It is.

* * *

[ _It's Scar's house._ ]

 **Scar** : Hello, I'm Scar.

 **Judy** : Are you the bad guy?

 **Scar** : No, I'm Scar.

 **Nick** : How's Mufasa?

 **Scar** : That's unimportant. I'm Scar.

 **Judy** : Are you connected with these hyenas?

 **Scar** :  _Oh_ , I'm _so_ sorry, but I haven't " **_seen_ ** " them in years >;3

 **Judy** : ...can we arrest him for making that face

 **Nick** : That legislation hasn't been finalized yet, sorry.

[ _They leave._ ]

 **Nick** : Scar basically admitted to everything, but in a way that gives us no evidence. We've got nothing right now, but I'm sure it's him.

 **Judy** : But why? Why steal the diamond?

 **Nick** : Well, everyone loves us for saving the day. If he manufactured a similar situation, he might actually get voted in as mayor.

 **Judy** : A transparently evil fascist using misinformation to win an election? Come on, Nick. This is 2016.

 **Nick** : goddammit judy

* * *

**Clawhauser** : It's time to read Tai Lung's Extended Backstory File!

 **Carmelita** : And I am here as well.

 **Clawhauser** : Oh gosh! He's mostly evil because his dad died! And he did the manslaughter! Mammalslaughter...?

 **Nick** : Yep, it's true. Doing one crime will ruin your life forever. Gotta tick off the Social Commentary box for this to be a real Zootopia fanfiction...

 **Carmelita** : I remain unsympathetic to him in light of this information. My role in this and all narratives is to stick stringently to the Lawful part of Lawful Good. Never trust criminals. No matter how handsome they are.

 **Nick** : But this doesn't explain why Tai Lung is helping Scar become mayor.

 **Judy** : The mayor's office can pardon crimes! Somehow! Even though that really only applies to stuff like parking tickets, not an international crime spree of theft and probably murder!

 **Nick** : In fairness, Tai Lung mightn't know that, Scar just needs to convince him.

 **Judy** : Let's go with that, yes.

[ _A smol cat stabs Banzai with an umbrella._ ]

 **Banzai** : _Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Kill Nick!_

[ _Carmelita shoots him with her Huge Gun._ ]

 **Carmelita** : Writhe, little man.

 **Nick** : He went savage! But only a little bit...

 **Judy** : What evil genius put this together?

 **Peridot** : _AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!_ LEGS... SHORT! HNFF

* * *

[ _The Cooper Gang steal a subway train._ ]

 **Murray** : This is the **BEST DAY** **_EVER_ **

[ _Tai Lung attacks._ ]

 **Murray** : I change **MY** **_MIND_ **

**Sly** : Go on without me, guys! I'll handle him alone! By which I mean I'm immediately calling Judy for help.

[ _There are many kicks._ ]

 **Judy** : Wait! I know your tragic backstory!

 **Tai Lung** : Then go make a gifset.

[ _His attempts to murder them do not abate. However, Sly and Judy save each other._ ]

 **Judy** : Gosh, you're amazing!

 **Sly** : No, _you're_ amazing!

 **Judy** : Gosh...

 **Sly** : So are we boning or what?

 **Judy** : Unclear!

 **Tai Lung** : Enough of this vague romantic tension! You're boring me stiff!

[ _He bores into them until they are stiff._ ]

* * *

**Murray** : Oh my god Sly and Judy are **_dead_ ** wait, no, they're just sleeping.

 **Bentley** : Yes. We're all terrified two protagonists will die halfway through the story.

 **Carmelita** : Alright, losers, shut up and follow my lead. Time to demonstrate my full prowess as an officer.

 **Murray** : Oh, wow! Are you gonna shoot him?

 **Carmelita** : Murray, please. I'm an Inspector with Interpol. My tactical knowledge is a _little_ more advanced than that.

 **Tai Lung** : I'm going to drown these tiny fools! And there's nothing anyone can do to stop m-

[ _Carmelita proceeds to shoot Tai Lung in the face multiple times. It is very funny._ ]

 **Nick** : I've found a way to weaponise his previously-established backstory!

 **Bentley** : Thank god. We've justified that otherwise pointless detour.

 **Nick** : Shut up and hack that telephone, Specs.

[ _The telephone rings._ ]

 **Murray** : It's for you!

 **Tai Lung** : Ahoy-hoy?

 **Nick** : **It's me! Your boss! Quit it.**

 **Tai Lung** : Pop quiz - what's my motivation?

 **Nick** : **Uh... you're doing these crimes to not be a criminal any more?**

 **Tai Lung** : Close enough. I will begrudgingly follow your suspiciously merciful orders.

 **Nick** : We did it!

 **Bentley** : Nice work. Say, does this look like a flash-bang to you?

 **Nick** : Wh- _OH GOD MY EYES_

* * *

[ _Judy is propped up on many pillows._ ]

 **Nick** : Okay, you didn't die _this_ time, but that was pretty close.

 **Judy** : **_Bring on Round Two!_ **

**Nick** : I am genuinely begging you to take the day off. More for my sake than yours.

[ _It's Black Panther's office in The Museum._ ]

 **Wolf O'Donnell** : And it's me! Wolf O'Donnell!

[ _Audience applause, cheers, howling._ ]

 **Okonkwo** : Hello, my vaguely trusted employee. Can I help you?

 **Wolf** : Yes. This job has much more master thieves than advertised. Pay me much more money.

 **Okonkwo** : Your concerns are valid. However, I'm afraid I have no money to spare.

 **Wolf** : ...well then! Forget I said anything. Not important ;)

[ _Peridot is watching cartoons illegally online - yes, specifically, that's what happened - when Tai Lung appears._ ]

 **Peridot** : YYYYYYYYYYYYOU MESSED UP!

 **Tai Lung** : Eh.

 **Peridot** : I'M GONNA FIX IT!!!

 **Tai Lung** : Off you go, then.

 **Peridot** : NYEH

* * *

**Sly** : Always treat a lady to chocolates after she saves you from being drowned by a snow leopard.

 **Bentley** : Terrible news! Murray's sick! He's come down with a serious case of Can't Be In The Plot Right Now!

 **Sly** : Perfect! What a convenient excuse to invite Judy to fight slash commit crime with me!

 **Bentley** : Sly, can we please talk about the underlying issues pushing you into this uncharacteristic behaviour?

 **Sly** : No.

[ _Nick and Carmelita must do computer things._ ]

 **Carmelita** : I like you, Nick. I'm gonna tell you a bit of my backstory - lord help me, I'll even banter with you.

 **Nick** : Wow. Well, it's an honour being under you.

 **Carmelita** : So are we boning or what?

 **Nick** : Unclear!

* * *

[ _Judy has had the entire day off. She is ready to die._ ]

 **Judy** : I am ready to make some terrible decisions!

[ _She receives a text from Sly._ ]

 **Sly** : _check out this hot selfie i took at an active crime scene_

 **Judy** : Wow! What an attractive terrible decision!

 **Sly** : _want to help me beat up a small nerd?_

 **Judy** : _i'm there! [rabbit emoji] [raccoon emoji] [gun emoji] [computer emoji]_

* * *

**Peridot** : CLODS! STEP INTO MY DEATHTRAP GAUNTLET AND DIE!

 **Sly** : How about................... we don't do that?

 **Judy** : yeah okay

 **Peridot** : NO!!!

[ _Peridot locks them into an employee lounge, forcing them to Bond(tm)._ ]

 **Sly** : So basically I'm doing this for my dead dad.

 **Judy** : Interesting. Isn't he dead, though?

 **Sly** : Hmm, good point.

[ _Nick receives a text from Judy._ ]

 **Nick** : uhhhhhhhhhhh _hhhhhhhhhhhhhh_

 **Carmelita** : What's up, buttercup?

 **Nick** : On one hand, I should probably keep this a secret. On the other, Please Help.

* * *

**Sly** : My arc is that I can't stop stealing.

 **Judy** : Mine is that I'm probably going to h*cking die.

 **Sly** : Haha wow!

 **Judy** : Hey. Hey, Sly, guess what. I know your tragic backstory too. That's rough, buddy.

 **Sly** : Thanks, Judy. I appreciate it. Y'know, you'd make a pretty good thief.

 **Judy** : And you'd make a good cop!

 **Sly** : Um, funny story,

 **Nick** : You drafted a falsely amnesiac Sly Cooper into Interpol?! That's not a funny story at all! That's melancholic, and deeply concerning!

 **Carmelita** : Look. In my defence... I wanted to bone him.

 **Nick** : That's not-!

 **Peridot** : CLODS! STEP INTO MY DEATHTRAP GAUNTLET AND DIE! PLEASE?!

 **Nick** : Let's cut the power.

 **Peridot** : NOOOOOOOOOO **OOOOOOOOOOOOO**

 **Nick** : I lied. I actually was a con-artist.

 **Carmelita** : I know, Nick, I've seen the movie.

 **Sly** : You should communicate more clearly with your partner.

 **Judy** : Good suggestion, internationally wanted criminal. I'll get right on that, just as soon as-

[ _The power goes out and the doors open._ ]

 **Judy** : Oh, cool, we can beat up that nerd!

 **Sly** : Finally!

 **Peridot** : THIS IS A BAD NIGHT FOR PERIDOT

 **Tai Lung** : Ugh! I'm here to save you.

 **Nick** : They're gone. But we can still arrest Sly - Judy, cuff him!

 **Judy** : Um... no.

* * *

[ _It's breakfast time! Judy... actually, y'know what? I'm not gonna comedically abridge this part. Chapter 16 of this story came out very, very well, especially since I don't consider serious emotion one of my strengths. I might suggest you just go and read it if you're interested. It's the emotional culmination of the separate arcs for Nick, Judy, and Sly/Carmelita that build through the story, and I'm still very pleased with the results. Anyway. It's sad._ ]

* * *

[ _The Cooper Gang's sad too._ ]

 **Murray** : I messed up!

 **Sly** : Yeah. Me too.

 **Bentley** : Oh, shut up, guys. You'll feel better when we successfully heist a diamond, I assume.

[ _Sad, sad, droopy ears._ ]

 **Judy** : I am so depressed I am willingly performing traffic duty.

 **Clawhauser** : I can't even cheer you up, and I'm Clawhauser!

 **Judy** : She who is tired of Clawhauser is tired of life.

[ _At The Museum, Wolf is giving a helpful pep talk._ ]

 **Wolf** : What do we want?

 **Wolves** : Loads of money!

 **Wolf** : How do we want it?

 **Wolves** : From anyone!

 **Wolf** : [ _tearing up_ ] I'm so proud of you all.

[ _Nick and Carmelita try to find the Cooper Gang. All they find is a chocolate shop._ ]

 **Carmelita** : This makes me feel **_angry!_ **

**Nick** : I am dead inside. ...Moreso than usual.

[ _The bad guys are doing okay, really._ ]

 **Peridot** : I'M VERY SORRY!

 **Mastermind** : **Sorta don't care. Is the Night Howler(tm) ready?**

 **Tai Lung** : We're using Night Howler on someone?

 **Mastermind** : **Oh, we're using it on** **_someone_ ** **alright** **> ;3c**

 **Tai Lung** : how did you do that over the phone

* * *

[ _It's the fancy party! Wolf's manning the door._ ]

 **Wolf** : I'm casually bullying a guy in a wheelchair! Just in case you weren't sure I was an antagonist.

 **Scar** : Here is a bribe so I can carry skip the security check.

 **Wolf** : I love my job.

 **Sly** : Hiding in the rafters is making me feel a little better.

 **Tai Lung** : Same.

 **Sly** : Agh! What are you doing up here?!

 **Tai Lung** : Right now? Just mocking you for having empathy. _Loser_.

 **Judy** : Oh, hello, Carmelita. What's up?

 **Carmelita** : This is a little late in the story, but: we have so much common ground. Don't repeat my mistakes. You have deeply impressed me in the threeish days I've known you, and I'm lucky to have met you.

 **Judy** : W-wow. The feeling's more than mutual.

 **Carmelita** : So are we boning or what?

 **Judy** : Gosh, I hope so.

 **Nick** : You enjoying the party, Scar?

 **Scar** : Mmmmmmm _mmmmmmmmhhh_ >:3cccc

 **Nick** : Soon, Nicholas. Soon.

 **Toriel** : Excuse me, I seem to have misplaced my child. I'm a competent mother, I swear.

[ _Judy looks for Toriel's son, Asriel, but instead finds only a crime!_ ]

 **Wolf** : Gimme the diamond!

 **Okonkwo** : What treachery is this?!

 **Wolf** : I've received purely electronic communication from someone claiming to be the Cooper Gang, saying they'll pay me big money for this diamond.

 **Okonkwo** : And you... trust that?

 **Wolf** : Well, not any more. Clearly, Cooper is trying to fool me!

 **Okonkwo** : Clearly.

[ _Wolf leaves with the diamond. Okonkwo obliterates a wolf with a single punch. He is, after all, Black Panther._ ]

 **Okonkwo** : Officer Hopps, please help me evacuate the entire museum by claiming that a heretofore-unmentioned fireworks display is about to start, which is mandatory for all guests to attend, but will not actually materialise.

 **Judy** : Wow! You are smart.

 **Okonkwo** : Yes.

[ _Everyone leaves, miraculously._ ]

 **Tai Lung** : Time for you to get poisoned by Night Howler!

[ _Tai Lung gets poisoned by Night Howler._ ]

 **Tai Lung** : The - the shadowy figure who never so much as told me their name betrayed me?!

 **Sly** : Oh, honey.

* * *

**Asriel** : Golly! I exist for only two things: bein' adorable and wanderin' heedlessly into deadly situations!

 **Sly** : I've known this kid for only half a second but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

[ _Something almost happens to him._ ]

 **Sly** : !!!! _!!!!!!_ ** _!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_ **

[ _He saves the good good boy. The Cooper Gang regroup-er gang._ ]

 **Wolf** : You'll pay for this, Cooper!

 **Sly** : who in god's name are you

[ _There are many punches. Nick, Judy and Carmelita show up._ ]

 **Nick** : We haven't resolved our issues yet!

 **Judy** : But that won't stop us from **_DOOR!_ **

[ ** _DOOR!_** ]

 **Sly** : Is everyone okay?!

 **Judy** : Yeah, but the three of us are stuck in here with Tai Lung!

 **Nick** : And I'm stuck out here like a tiny orange idiot!

 **Murray** : Don't worry, Jak & Daxter reference! Me and Bentley will try to open this door offscreen!

 **Bentley** : Yes, now's as good a time as any to exit the narrative. Frankly we've been secondary characters for this entire outing.

[ _Bye, guys!_ ]

 **Carmelita** : I have a novel idea - let's beat up the bad guy, with violence.

 **Sly** : I love you so much.

 **Nick** : Don't worry Judy, you can do this! You're amazing!

 **Judy** : Thanks, Nick. I genuinely needed to hear that. What about you?

 **Nick** : I can do something else. Because I'm also, separately, amazing.

 **Sly** : Hey, cool, People Are Good At Different Things! That's the moral of my whole franchise.

 **Nick** : Here's one for you - Nick Wilde Is The Best. That's the moral of mine.

 **Judy** : Go get 'em, tiger.

[ _They go get the snow leopard as Nick go gets the lion._ ]

 **Nick** : Ladies and gentlemammals, I know who's behind this.

 **Toriel** : Is it me?

 **Nick** : Actually, no! It's Mufasa!

 **Scar** : _What?!_ No! I'm ten **_times_ ** the jewel thief Mufasa is! ...Which, um, is zero. Because ten times zero is still zero.

 **Nick** : Let's discuss this somewhere quieter, where it would be hypothetically easier to stab a police officer to death.

 **Scar** : Excellent. Yes.

* * *

**Scar** : Why yes, I _am_ exactly the kind of person to own a cane-sword.

 **Nick** : Contrary to appearances, I am perfectly competent at my job! You're under arrest!

 **Scar** : Curses! But I still have Peridot.

 **Nick** : You really don't. She's gonna abandon you the second my excellent partner stops Tai Lung.

 **Scar** : Ah, but will she?!

[ _She does._ ]

 **Judy** : Oh god, Sly is dying!

 **Carmelita** : No! Not like this...

 **Sly** : Oh. Wow. You're... actually really sad. I'm fine actually. It was a prank. Epic... fake internal bleeding to steal a diamond prank! Y'know, that old... um... **SMOKEBOMB**

 **Peridot** : I WILL NOW MAKE LIKE A LAWN CHAIR AND FOLD.

 **Nick** : Just as I predicted! Everything's done, we can go home.

 **Judy** : But Nick, we need to resolve these emotional arcs!

 **Nick** : uuuuuuuuuuu _ggggggggggggggggggg_ hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[ _The roof!_ ]

 **Sly** : I'm sad. I ruined everything.

 **Judy** : No, Sly. Not doing crimes is good, actually.

 **Sly** : Source?

 **Nick** : We are definitely not boning.

 **Sly** : More's the pity. Maybe next time.

 **Carmelita** : We might still be, though. Despite everything.

 **Sly** : Hooray! Let's smooch!

[ _They smooch. I've been publishing fanfics for over six years - well over 200,000 words in the last two years alone - and for so long this was the only kiss in any of my stories. And I wonder why my numbers are low._ ]

 **Sly** : I'll start making the world a better place by robbing Scar utterly blind! Catch you all later!

 **Carmelita** : No, Sly, we'll catch _you_.

[ _Everyone laughs. Sly flings himself from the rooftop._ ]

 **Nick** : Hey, Carmelita, let's be penpals.

 **Carmelita** : Sure. That sounds like a mildly diverting interquel. I'm gonna get hammered on champagne now, so I'll leave you kids to your Feels.

[ _She does. Nick and Judy make up and stuff. Whatever._ ]

[ _Night in Zootopia._ ]

* * *

Epilogue! The bad guys go to jail, Carmelita learns how to email, Wolf disappears, Finnick gets a job at The Museum because I guess his presence in this story needed to go somewhere, the Cooper Gang's failure means the diamond is safe, Sly has a protracted existential crisis he claims is just him "figuring stuff out", and Nick and Judy - surprise surprise - are still friends. But are they boning? To this day, it remains unclear.

(At this rate, probably not.)

* * *

**_Woah, that was so much faster!!! I wrote this whole thing in under a week. I'm just gonna stick to this format from now on..._ **


End file.
